Your Calorie Assistant
Imagine you sit down for dinner. The food smells amazing. It’s one of your favorites. You just spent 40 minutes making it—or your spouse prepared it for you.
Now it’s time to dig in.
But wait.
In walks your “calorie assistant.” A well-dressed, English-accented, stoic individual. They tap you on the shoulder and inform you—politely—that you won’t be having dinner tonight.
You stare at them in disbelief.
They show you a list of everything you’ve eaten today. You’ve hit your daily calorie limit of 1,600 calories. And just like Cinderella, you’ll have to wait until midnight for the day (and your calories) to reset.
You tell the calorie assistant that you’re going to eat dinner anyway, that their calorie counting must be off, and you’re not listening to them.
As soon as you take a bite of the chicken parm, you get a sharp shock from the collar on your neck. It stops you in your tracks, but you think to yourself, “You know what? The pain is worth it. I’m still going to eat.”
You bring the fork closer to your mouth and get another shock, this time much stronger. You yell and stand up.
At first you were frustrated. Now you’re angry. You swing to punch your calorie assistant, but your fist meets cold steel, it only hurts your hand.
Your calorie assistant apologizes for making you so upset, but reminds you, “I’m only doing my job.”
You storm away from the table, heading out for a walk because you can’t stand to be near food that smells this good.
Your calorie assistant follows you, just to make sure you’re not wandering toward an ice cream shop or a pizza place.
You yell that their numbers must be wrong. How could you be at your limit already?
They start going through your day:
- 2 a.m. – Hostess cupcake: 300 cal
- Breakfast – Egg whites: 150 cal
- Toast with peanut butter: 200 cal
- Coffee with heavy cream: 100 cal
- Mid-morning – Coffee with milk and sugar: 100 cal
- Cake pop: 120 cal
- Lunch – Turkey sandwich: 300 cal
- Cupcake slices from coworker: 200 cal
- Afternoon snack – Bag of chips: 130 cal
Total: 1,600 calories — and it’s not even dinner time.
At first, you’re frustrated. You think to yourself: “But I thought I ate good today.”
Then you realize you’ve simply forgotten about the “little” extras that added up so quickly.
If you’d gone ahead with your buffet-style dinner, a glass of wine, and some ice cream, your total would have jumped to around 3,200 calories, double what you need for a calorie deficit.
You go to bed hungry, still annoyed.
The next morning, you step on the scale, you’re lighter than yesterday.
Suddenly, your mood changes. Skipping dinner doesn’t seem so bad. You feel more confident, more in control.
I’m not telling you to wear a shock collar if you eat certain foods—or to skip dinner.
But it’s funny how we accept consequences in so many areas of life, firing employees, grounding kids, but when it comes to food, the idea of a hard consequence feels extreme.
And yet… when you face one, your behavior changes the next day.
You’re less likely to snack at 2 a.m., less likely to load your coffee with cream and sugar, less likely to grab that cake pop or slice of cupcake.
At dinner, you’ll adjust your portions so you can still enjoy your favorites, without blowing your calories.
As AI advances, maybe calorie assistants will be real one day.
Would you want one?
Let’s hope they skip the shock collar.
– James Pratt